The Johnnys vs. The Underdogs: Bullying, Belonging, and Learning to Stand Up for Yourself

A reflection on bullying, belonging, self-worth, and the complicated process of learning who feels safe, supportive, and emotionally healthy throughout life.

In the most general sense, my definition of a bully is someone who intentionally hurts or intimidates others without provocation. As far as fictional bullies go, the crown probably belongs to Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid. But in everyday life, bullies often come in many different forms and are not always so easy to spot.

For some people, bullying exists within family systems — individuals who provoke, antagonize, create chaos, or emotionally overpower others. In other situations, bullying can look more subtle: a boss verbally berating someone for perceived incompetence, an acquaintance disguising cruelty as humor, or a friend repeatedly crossing emotional boundaries under the guise of “just joking.”

Like many people, my first experiences with bullying came during middle school. It was one of the earliest introductions to the reality that not everyone would accept or understand me. Some people would become allies, some would become deterrents, and others would fall somewhere in between. Learning how to recognize safe, supportive people from unhealthy or hurtful ones became part of my own growth process.

That may be part of the reason I have spent much of my career working with teenagers. I understand how difficult those years can feel and how deeply experiences of rejection, humiliation, or exclusion can shape the way people move through the world long after adolescence ends.

Learning Who Feels Safe

As I got older, I became more intentional about the people I surrounded myself with. I found myself drawn toward people who were open-minded, emotionally aware, and accepting of others. I once heard someone say, “You want to know something about a person? Show me their friends.” That perspective stayed with me.

Over time, I learned to create more distance from people who consistently acted superior, dismissive, cruel, or emotionally unsafe. I became more selective about the energy and relationships I allowed into my life.

When I stopped drinking, I noticed I had even less patience for intimidation, aggression, or people using substances as justification for treating others poorly. I no longer found those dynamics entertaining or acceptable.

Fortunately, I also found meaningful friendships that changed my life. People who accepted me — flaws and all — and appreciated what I brought into their lives. Those relationships reminded me that healthy connection exists and that being fully yourself around others is possible.

The “Johnnys” Don’t Fully Disappear

At one point, I genuinely believed adulthood would somehow eliminate bullying altogether. I thought once people entered the “real world,” emotional immaturity and cruelty would fade away.

But eventually I realized the “Cobra Kai” personalities tend to follow us throughout life in different forms. There will always be people who attempt to embarrass, belittle, intimidate, or position themselves above others.

Maybe growth is not about avoiding every difficult person entirely, but learning how to move through those experiences differently — surviving them, confronting them when necessary, and standing up for yourself without becoming consumed by bitterness or aggression yourself.

Strength Without Becoming Hardened

Today, when I disagree with someone’s harmful or discriminatory outlook, I try to address it directly and respectfully. I prefer real conversations over public arguments or social media outrage whenever possible.

I also spend time teaching my son how to defend himself emotionally and physically when needed, while also understanding the difference between self-protection and becoming an instigator. There is a balance between developing thick skin and knowing when it is important to speak up.

Our world is filled with larger-than-life personalities, performative confidence, and people who sometimes attempt to make others feel smaller. But underneath all of it, we are still human beings trying to navigate the same fears, insecurities, and emotional struggles.

No one is inherently better than anyone else because of status, appearance, profession, popularity, or background. We all carry our own struggles and vulnerabilities, whether visible or hidden.

I try to remember that most days — imperfectly, but intentionally.

So to all the Daniel LaRussos and Mr. Miyagis out there: keep fighting the good fight. And if you happen to run into “Johnny” from Cobra Kai, maybe give them a respectful nod before you sweep the leg.

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